Who Am I?

I have a confession to make.  I am a nobody.  I never won “best mom of the year” award.  In fact, there were moments I could have been nominated for “worst mom.”  I don’t have a book on the New York Times Best Seller list.   You won’t find my name in the “Who’s Who in America” list, unless someone forgot to notify me!  Never started a business or became a recording artist.  Probably my biggest claim to fame is. . . wait for it. . . .I’m a P.K.  Yes, that’s right.  I’m a “preacher’s kid!”  Now that, my friend, could explain a whole lot about me.  Except, I’m not a “normal” preacher’s kid.  I never rebelled.  Never did drugs, unless taking an anti-depressant counts!  I obeyed my parents and never gave them any reason to be embarrassed.  Not only was I a preacher’s kid.  I was the “perfect kid.”  And if my mom and dad were still alive, I’m sure they would wholeheartedly agree.  Well, maybe.

So, back to being a nobody.  I have another confession to make.  I’m a perfectionist.  I tried to be a “somebody.”  An important “somebody.”  SOMEBODY who would be noticed, applauded, acclaimed, important.  I didn’t realize that’s what I was doing.  I just thought I was striving to be the best I could be for God.  To make a difference.  A HUGE difference!  I finally woke up to the realization that life is not “about me.”  God doesn’t care if I’m perfect, or the “cream of the crop,” “the top of the heap,” “the best of the best.”  Really.  He doesn’t expect perfection, or a big production, or teacher of the year, or CHRISTIAN of the year!  He just wants a relationship with me.  He wants transparency.  He wants me to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He loves me.  Even when I mess up.  When I’m less than perfect.  When I’ve wandered away.  EVEN when I stink of pride and selfishness.  He continues loving me and re-making me into something beautiful and useful.  And He wants me to be available in the little things, the daily things.  To just be open and listening.

My prayer:  “You have always been with me.  And because I’ve experienced that, I know I can trust you with the future.  With my son, Kerry.  With my feelings of discouragement.  With my feeling that I don’t measure up, that I’m not good enough.  You are reminding me today that my relationship with you is not about performance.  You love me.  Period.  You don’t love me more or less based on what I have accomplished for you or for others.  You just want to be in relationship with me.  I need to remember you may wish more for me, may wish I would make different decisions, but you are not just tolerating me or disappointed in me. 

Keep me from measuring my worth and success by what I see others doing.  This is not about them.  It’s about You and me.  I am not being judged on my performance.  You have loved me with an everlasting love, and I am your child.  That is my identity.  God’s child.  I’m not perfect, but as I allow You to permeate my being and guide my thoughts and actions, I will come closer and closer to bearing the image of You, my Savior and Creator.  That is who I am!  

In Jesus’ name, Amen.”